Project Life: A Return

Well, I'm back.

This is my first Project Life since Grampa died.

It's hard for me to believe that the last time I wrote one of these posts, he was only two days away from his last hospital stay. And now he's gone, and my heart will always grieve his loss. I will always wish we had more time, more stories, more moments. But I think it would be a disservice to a man who lived 90 beautiful years and loved us so well not to appreciate what blessings every day can hold. And honestly, my favorite memories of him aren't at holidays or celebrations (except perhaps Jeremy's wedding, when he wore his purple tie for me)--they were every day, normal moments. Because even when he wasn't feeling well, which was often, Grampa never overlooked the blessing of every day.

And that's what Project Life helps me do. Somedays I am quite certain there is nothing of interest to capture on film--life can sometimes be what Gramma Copes calls the "same old seven and six." But then Elaina imagines these wild adventures with her toys or Ellie walks over to Josh with an emphatic, "WEED it, Daddy," and holds out a book he has read no fewer than 10 times that night, and I realize how fleeting these moments are. One of my favorite verses this year has become Psalm 90:12: "Teach us to number our days, that we might gain a heart of wisdom". I want to number my days, because every day is worth numbering.

And with that, welcome to Week 12

Sunday, March 10
Today was a good day, albeit one with last-minute plan changes due to uncooperative weather. We went to church (where, thankfully, both girls have finally taken to being in the nursery. And by both I mean Ellie.), and Josh and I had a good dialouge concerning the message all through lunch. After we finished eating, Ellie and I retreated to her room for our her nap, which lasted longer than I had anticipated it would. We had originally planned on heading to Peoria to do some Easter dress shopping, but when the skies were pouring rain we scrapped those plans and instead made a quick run to Kroger for chicken pot pie ingredients.

As we were getting ready to leave, Ellie brought me her rainboots and insisted I put them on. Then she found her Dora the Explorer snow hat and brought it over with the same look of insistence on her face. I put it on as well, and off she trotted, happy as could be.

Perhaps the seasons are confusing her as well, but she was one happy little fashionista :)

Monday, March 11
Today was Steven's birthday party, which was held at the Rainbow Play Center. Elaina had been excited for days about his party, and it did not disappoint. Steven was, as always, a charmer (which means I didn't take his picture...), his cake was an amazing Lego (which means I didn't take a picture of it, either), and the girls had a blast on the equipment...which I actually took pictures of, shockingly..but these are currently getting eaten by Blogger, and they were mostly blurry anyway. What can I say? Chasing the girls and going down slides and pushing them on swings and eating birthday cake took precedence :)




Tuesday, March 12
We spent this evening coloring. Well, Elaina spent the evening coloring (and a fine job she did!) Ellie spent most of the time trying to put the crayons back in the box. At least she was helping clean!

The pink on the nose is all Ellie colored

Wednesday, March 13
Ellie has been going on something of a napping strike lately, so when we drive home we often have to employ a number of sneaky tactics to ensure she doesn't fall asleep, since a nap that late in the day would be quite disastrous for bedtime. One of Josh's favorite tactics is rolling down the backseat windows, in which Elaina is usually more than happy to participate. And it keeps Ellie awake, which helps her sleep better at night. It's a win for everyone (except maybe me, who freezes most of the drive...)

Thursday, March 14
So the napping strike ended today around 3:25, about 20 minutes before Josh and I get to his folks' house to pick up the girls. We decided to let her continue sleeping, which she did until I woke her up around 4:45 (she was not pleased with this decision, let me assure you). As a result of our later-than-expected leaving, Josh's plans for stirfry were postponed in favor of what he referred to as McEasy. Not something we make a habit of, but there is a time for everything....

Friday, March 15
After a busy week, we enjoyed a quiet evening at home. Elaina imagined a lovely tale of princes and princesses in what I referred to as "the party van", and Ellie and Josh read The Face Book (about 10 times).

Saturday, March 16
Today was busy, busy, busy. When Ellie woke up from her nap, we headed to Peoria to find an Easter dress for Elaina (after I discovered that her Easter dress from 2 years ago would fit Ellie this year--wooho!), get groceries, and run other errands. Our first stop was Burlington Coat Factory, where Josh found an adorable dress. Elaina wasn't sure she liked it at first, since, though it was an Easter dress, it didn't have any Easter eggs on it. Once we explained to her that she could gather the eggs while wearing the dress, she was quite satisfied. We got her and Ellie a few more warmer weather outfits (the delay in spring is actually helping me feel not so behind with the season changes), then headed to TJ Maxx and Kmart looking for a replacement for Elaina's "Mama Bug", which lights up at night and helps her sleep. Both of those trips were futile, and we thought to go any further would be risking the good will of our children, so we headed over to Hy-Vee, got some groceries, and came home.

After dinner, we were playing in Elaina's room, so I decided to try on the clothes we had gotten her. She liked them all, but when we put on the last dress, she insisted on accessorizing with a daisy hat Rachel got for her last spring. Sweet little flower :)

For Grampa Beck

The last two weeks have been hard.

My Grandpa Beck went into the hospital two weeks ago on Thursday. A week ago today, around 3 a.m., he passed into the arms of his Savior, surrounded by those he loved the most. He was 90 years old.

Though we knew the end was near, the letting go has been so hard.

He was such a good, precious man.

People have said to me in the days following his death that he lived a good, long life, as though somehow that should make our pain less.

In some ways, they are right.

He lived a good, long life.

He was born in 1922 and grew up helping his dad farm between school.

When he was 20 years old, he was drafted. He served our country in WWII, fought in the Battle of the Bulge and was wounded there, and earned a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star.

He came home from war and married my gramma. Their anniversary is next month. They made it just shy of 67 years. 67 years.

They had three sons--the middle son is my daddy.

Three sons. Seven grandchildren. 15 great-grandchildren.

A faithful member of his church for 52 years.

He lived a good, long life. But there is so much more to him than that. So much more I will miss.

I will miss him being there. Because he always was, he and Gramma, as long as they were able. Between my cousin Brandon and myself, there were 8th grade promotions and high school graduations every year for 10 years. They never missed one ceremony. They came to our wedding. To Elaina's dedication and her first birthday party. To Ellie's dedication.

Sometimes I would ask, "How are you feeling, Grampa?" And he responded honestly, "Not too great. But I'm here!"

He always, always was.

I will miss how he took the time to make us feel special. I remember telling him on my wedding day how much I loved the lavendar shirt and tie he was wearing. When Jeremy got married the next summer, Grampa wore his tie again. I was so excited and told him it was my favorite. He said, "I know. That's why I wore it." He wore it again to Elaina's dedication. And to Rachel's wedding. It was a simple striped lavendar tie. But it was a tie he wore just for me.

I will miss his laugh, which often teetered this side of mischevious. When I was in college and would come home and visit, we'd often pass an afternoon playing dominoes. I don't think anything brought him more joy than deliberatly messing up one of our trains, particularly Gramma's. She'd let out with an exasperated "Dean Franklin!" and he would just chuckled to himself, and soon his chuckle would catch on to the rest of us and we'd all be laughing. He chuckled the same chuckle when he teased me about "cutting my cat's tail off behind his ears." I thought for awhile he was afraid I'd be a crazy cat lady. And then I met Josh, and he still said it, and still laughed to himself at my exaggerated reactions.

I will miss his tenacity. Grampa Beck was, without question, the toughest person I have ever known. He accepted life as it came to him, whether it be war or illness or old age, and faced it head on. He never, ever complained. And he never stopped fighting. The last three days of his life were so hard, and so many times when we thought we had said our last goodbyes, he'd pull through again. I think he wanted to give each of us a chance to really say goodbye. I think he wanted us to know how much he loved us. I think he wanted us to tell him how much we loved him. He gave us an opportunity to love on him each in our own ways, and I will always be thankful to have had an opportunity to be there, to share in those moments, to whisper in his ear and kiss his cheek and hold his hand. They were the some of the hardest, holiest moments of my life.

And right now, more than anything, I will miss his hugs.They were good hugs, strong and sweet. They said what words could not. And they always smelled of Old Spice. They stayed with me all day, and by simply moving my arm in a certain way I could tell I had been loved by my Grampa. Oh, how I miss his hugs.

Loving him was a privilege. Being loved by him was a blessing beyond words.

People say he lived a good, long life so that maybe we won't hurt as much. They remind us he is with his Savior now, and I know it is true. I am thankful, so very thankful, for that.

But a precious, beautiful, good man is gone. And that is why our hearts are broken.